Tough Stuff

Happy spring everyone!


I know, it snowed today here in SLC, but that's not unusual for this time of year. It has only been spring for a week so we'll have to deal with it.


So...sometimes, if not often, I see my blog as a way to put down my thoughts and feelings into words and try to purge negative energy so that I can have some peace and clarity. Lately...I have been feeling a little picked on. I know that there are those in the world who would look at me and say "Suck it up, Miss Fancy Pants!" My heart breaks for the people of Japan and the terrifying events that have turned into their reality instead of of nightmare. Their lives were literally turned upside down and they are striving so hard to clean up the mess, literally and figuratively, and get on with life. 


However, I am but a human and therefore have weaknesses. Call it self preservation or a pity party...that changes from hour to hour. But here goes cyber land!


Last Thursday, I was notified that my position was being dissolved. With that, my choice has been to move to another department or have two weeks to find another job. I was heart broken. I have worked at this company for 4 1/2 years and have devoted so much time and effort to it, all to be voted off the island. There have been so many red flags just blaring out that this was going to happen. Once again, they are stupid little things. My company hasn't been making bank like they have the past few years. Thanks to legislation passed by the federal government, Medicare has had to become a lot more stringent on their policies and pay outs. Therefore, we aren't making the money that we should right now because of the new DME policies. So, they started by making cuts in certain departments. Mine was the first.  


There are 5 people in my department...but I was cut. I could go on and on about how I feel this is unfair and because I have worked really hard to be there. I could say that it was a ploy to get me out or that certain people feel threatened by me as far as their job goes. But it doesn't do any good. The decision has been made and now I have to make my own: Do I stay and move back to the department I came from or blow that Popsicle stand?


If I choose to stay, I will move back to the department that made me want to stab people in the jaw and karate kick them in the crotchal area. The whole tone of the office is different and I would be going back to my old job. I didn't want that job in the first place. The problem is? I know the job and can do it with little re-training. 


I am thankful that I have been given a choice to actually stay where I am and still have a job. My pay won't be affected much and my hours would stay the same. I just feel like the kid that no one wants on their team, but they pick me because they kind of have to. And the best part of this? I have to let them know by tomorrow morning. 


I haven't been back to work since Thursday. I cried all the way home then. I cried to my husband and then went and cried to my parents. I received a wonderful blessing from my father saying that things will work out and to have faith. Mike has been trying to be supportive, but he blames himself for not having a better job so that I can just quit. Needless to say, there have been some not so friendly words about the situation. 


So...do I stay or do I go? I have been looking for another job for about a month now but have only gotten rejection letters. If I had a prospect, I would take my chance and quit tomorrow. I refuse to go to a temp agency or anything like that. I know...beggars can't be choosers. But I am still at that point where I can be that picky. 


I am dreading going to work tomorrow. I don't want to face people. I don't know if my other co-workers even know. I don't want to talk about it and I don't want to even think about it. I know that all I can do is pray to my Heavenly Father for strength and faith to make the right decision. I just feel like I am trapped without a way out. The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts. 


Thanks for listening to me rant. Things will be ok, my marriage will be fine and I will find another job...eventually. I ask for any positive energy and prayers that can be spared.

Homesick

11 years ago, I decided that I was going to take a 

leap of faith and go to a small town community college. 

I had only been to Price in passing while going to and coming home

from the red rocks of Moab.

I had been through Spanish Fork Canyon and
on Highway 6

several times on the way to and from good old

girls camp at Camp Timberlane.

And after talking to my friend, Sandra, I made the trip to check out

the College of Eastern Utah. Little did I know 

that this decision would alter my life's path forever.

(Not to be over dramatic or anything...but it's true!)

Going away to school was terrifying for me. My senior year of high school

took me to New York, Chicago, San Fransisco and Disneyland. I had stood

on the coasts of both the Pacific and Atlantic Oceans.

I had finally made it in Madrigals and as the lead in the school musical.

Along with that, I was also the Editor-in-Chief of the school paper.

Journalism was my game and I was going to succeed. 

I had friends and family that I didn't want to leave.

I finally had two nieces, a nephew and another nephew on the way.

But I knew I needed to go.

That first semester of school was rough. I had a lot of demons to fight on my own.

I had to rely very heavily on faith.

I almost didn't return after Thanksgiving.

The mere thought brought me to tears all the way back to Price.

I am pretty sure that if my parents 

could have had their way, I would have come home, 

gone to SLCC and go on anti-depressants.

But that was not to be what happened.

The next semester would change everything.

My new friends had me move in with them.

I became an editor of the newspaper.

My new theatre friends invited me to hang out with
 "The Group."

I met a VERY cute boy and was on the crew for a play.

After that, I made it in the musical.

I dated that boy, briefly,
and made another very good friend.

I didn't want to semester to end.

The next year was beyond amazing.

I had a place to be, a place where I belonged.

4 shows, my first Shakespeare roll.

Editor of the school paper and more new friends.

Graduation was very hard.

Now, I didn't want to leave.

Transferring to the University of Utah was twice as hard as that first semester at CEU.

Though I met my best friend, the other half of my brain,

it wasn't the same.

It took some time before I could go back to Price.

I was homesick.

I no longer had a place where I belonged.

Here came another round of heart break and depression

and some very poor choices.

But I survived and graduated.

When I did finally start to go back to see my friends in Price,

I met the new kids.

They became my friends as well.

I even ended up marrying one of them.

Who cares that there is a 5 year age difference?

Not me.

Last Sunday, the Ex-Patriots of CEU

converged on our "Mom and Dad's" house to watch the Oscars.

As I walked into the Ewan household, 

I felt at home again.

Mom was there to greet me with a hug and a kiss,

as well as all the kids that has suddenly grown up.

There we were,

talking, laughing, making fun of each other.

I didn't make it downstairs to see the Oscars.

There was too much fun being had in the kitchen.

Then Dad came home.

The family was together again.

Love and encouragement flowed

like the many cans of Pepsi that were drunk.

And we met some more kids,

and again, they became my friends.

I love that my husband understands all of this.

He was there as well.

We both talk about how much we miss the Ewans

and the simple times we both had at CEU.

Once again, I am homesick.

Not for school work or classes,

but for the fun times that only a bunch of actors 

and tech-ies can understand.

It amazes me that as much as
I didn't want to stay in Price,

I think about it all the time.

It's been 9 years since I was a student there,

But seeing my theatre family on Sunday

makes me feel like I never left.