Hoarding and such things

So...I have been watching a show the past few days called "Hoarders". It is a show on A&E about people who having Compulsive Hoarding Disorder. And we're not talking about people who just need to declutter their house or have a good spring cleaning. We are talking about a serious disorder where these people throw NOTHING away and see nothing wrong with this. Once these people have asked for help, which usually is spurred by neighbors calling th city or health department, and in some cases, DCFS because of how bad these houses are, a psychologist, a professional organizer, the Daisy Maids and a work crew comes in to clean and throw things away.

If you haven't seen this show, it is truly an interesting journey to see how people live like this. It's an area of psychology that I have not really delved into before...and it's fascinating.  It's a mindset and disorder that I can't even fathom. I will be the first to admit that I don't like to throw stuff away, if it has sentimental value, but I have problem just chucking crap. One of the people, that just blew my mind, was a food hoarder. I didn't know that there were different types of hoarding...but it makes sense. She was unemployed and was living on social security. She would buy in bulk and just keep EVERYTHING. Expiration dates meant nothing. In her mind, if the package wasn't bulging, then it was ok to still eat. There were rotting pumpkins in her living room. She had three refrigerators stuffed full of just stuff. She didn't want to ask for help or rely on anyone else for survival. But to top it all off, she also had three cats. There was expired food EVERYWHERE.  And when the cleaners came in, she had to be escorted from the house because she wouldn't let them throw anything away. She tried to save a cooler full of food that was expired and had been sitting out for who knows how long and her son came and threw it away.  This show offered to pay for counseling and lessons from a professional organizer. When they come to do a follow up show? She had never gone to counseling and had continued in her old ways. Her landlord had to evict her because her house had become a health hazard and not fit for living. This is what finally made her open her eyes and realize that she had a real problem.

Other stories include families with young children, and an older man who had lost a loaded gun in his house somewhere and couldn't find it. Some may say that this show just exploits those who have this condition and that it's just a show to make money and get ratings. Perhaps, but I don't think so. I have known people in the past that, knowing what I do now, were hoarders. Every square inch of the house was filled with...stuff. Some people hoard things, some hoard money, some hoard food, but all of them have some sort of traumatic event in their lives that triggered this need to hoard. Whether it was growing up poor, not having anything, being homeless, or like many of our grandparents, lived through the Great Depression, something happened in their life that has triggered this need to have things so that they feel secure.

I guess in some ways, I can hoard. My biggest fears that have developed over the past few years has been tied to money. The big fear is that we won't have money to put gas in the car and food on the table. I have had anxiety attacks about his. So, to calm my fears, I have to have so much cash in my wallet at all times. This way I know that there is money for these things and that we won't be stranded or starve. Now, I know that I can be VERY over-dramatic from time to time (hello? I did get a degree in theatre!) but I have literally made myself sick over this before. Mike and I have been so blessed with wonderful families that won't let us starve or be stranded. They have helped us a many occasions and it has calmed my nerves dramatically.

There has been some positive things that have come out of watching the show. I usually get motivated to clean my house after. I try to target one area of the house at a time. Since there are only two bedrooms, one bathroom and a small living room and even smaller kitchen and laundry room, it doesn't take long. Tonight I focused on the bathroom. I even got on my hands and knees and scrubbed the floor. My mother would be so proud of me! I have also been keeping up on the kitchen. Tomorrow? The family room just needs to be picked up and vacuumed.  Then...the dreaded bedroom. I am a-scared for that. It will need to be a Saturday type of activity. But, I think I am going to try and post my progress as I go.

Now...if I could only get my husband to participate... :-D  (j/k honey!)


Post Edit: So I totally didn't realize how over dramatic I was being when I wrote this last night...It was sounding like I was judging everyone with a remotely dirty house. I guess this subject just fascinates me because it is such a foreign world and thought process to me. It would be like me trying to explain ADD or my anxiety issues to someone who has never felt that way; unless you are in that mindset, you can't imagine what it's like. I truly feel for these people who are so overwhelmed with life that this is how they begin to live, and before they really know what's happening, their lives have spiraled out of control. But it's that way with any disorder, be it hoarding, drug addiction, alcoholism or anything like that.  Ok...I believe that is all for this subject matter. 

You Gotta Check This Out

Welcome to the end of August! Today is was only 70 degrees and it was AWESOME! I am so ready for fall to come and grace us with its presence. This summer has not been to bad, but I love the fall colors and the cooler "sweater weather". It makes me happy. It means college football is back, the world series is coming, Halloween is around the corner and so on. I really can't believe how fast this year has gone. I am having nightmares all the time about me waking up and it's Christmas morning and I had missed the whole build up. It's horrible.

As the days have passed, I have started to follow certain blogs. I love to hear other's stories about their lives, trials, triumphs and just all around good times. So, here are a few that I think you may like as well:

Reagan's Blob

This wonderful and quirky blog is about a woman in New York named Reagan, her husband and her adorable little girl by the name of Piper Jane. Piper was born with a condition called Cerebro Costo Mandibular Syndrome. There is very little known about this birth defect, but the photos of this little Pip will melt your heart. Click on the link above to check it out.


Nie Nie Dialogues


Here is a truly uplifting blog. The author, Stephanie, was in a terrible plane crash about two years ago in Arizona. She and her husband survived, but she was in a coma for four months and was burned on 83% of her body. She and her family now live in Utah and are dealing with their new life. She talks about her ups and downs and how she has been blessed to keep going on. Like the one above, click on the link and get your tissues.


CJane Enjoy It

This lovely lady is Stephanie's older sister and is just as witty and heart felt. When Stephanie was in her crash and she and her husband were in the hospital, Courtney took 3 of Stephanie's 4 kids and raised them for almost 8 months. She is a published author and has two adorable kids and a pretty awesome husband. She was also dealing with infertility for a few years before she finally got pregnant, had her baby and then took in the other kids.

So there you go. Check out these fun blogs, enjoy the pictures, and let me know what you think. I think these are just three women out of millions that are just trying to make it, live life and deal with the trials that are presented to them. So until later...peace out!

Life, Love and the Pursuit of a Purse PART II

So, I totally just realized that I used the word pursue instead of pursuit in my last post. WHO GOT KICKED OUT OF THE U of U ENGLISH PROGRAM? That's right. This girl! Now, it wasn't due to bad grammar, horrific writing or appalling spelling. Nope. I may or may not have written an essay that may or may not have angered my professor. Ok, yes I did.
Back in 2003, I was, temporarily, an English major at the U. I was in one of my many English classes and we were supposed to analyze several poems. I have several pet peeves in this world, and one of the big ones is analyzing poetry. How dare you take a poem, written many years ago, or maybe more recently, analyze it and decide that the author meant by this expression of their soul. YOU DON'T KNOW! Don't tell me to analyze something and expect me to regurgitate your thoughts. My favorite story about this sort of thing comes from the diary of Walt Whitman. One day, he read in the local newspaper that a renowned professor was going to be giving a lecture on Walt's poetry at the local university. Interested to see what this man had to say, he decided to attend the lecture.
He sat in the back of the room and listened while this scholar proceeded to give his take on what he thought the author meant by these poems. At one point in the evening, Walt could not take it any longer. This professor was telling the audience that a certain poem had a certain meaning and that this is what the author was thinking at the time he wrote it. Walt rose his hand and said "I don't think you have this meaning correct, sir." But the professor again tried to convince the poet that this is definitely what the author meant. Once again, the poet said out loud "No sir, I think you are mistaken. I can tell you that this is not what the poet meant by this poem." Being agitated, the professor said "Then sir? Why don't you tell the audience what the poem means?" The poet stood and gave a very detailed and beautiful explanation of the certain piece of literature. When he was done, the professor, feeling that he had been slightly defeated, asked "How would you know what this means? Have you studied the works of this poet? Do you have any sort of real education? What makes you so sure that this was the meaning behind the poet's work?" And with a grin, Walt Whitman  came forward and introduced himself to the professor. The lecture ended and the professor never came back to the college.
So, I used this example in an essay we were supposed to write about the meaning of certain poems. My professor didn't want to know my thoughts. All she wanted was for me to repeat what she had told us. So instead of proceeding to spit her words back at her, I wrote an essay about why I felt that analyzing poetry was useless and a waste of time. I gave strong points, the main one being that unless the poet themselves have said what the poem meant, we had no business in criticizing their work. About a week later, I was asked to stay after class. My professor told me that my writing was adequate and my formatting was good, but that my topic was not was assigned. At that point, I will neither confirm nor deny that I may have told her, in so many words, to shove it where the sun wouldn't be able to shine. The next week I got called in the the department head's office. Little did I know that the department head was also my professor's husband. (They didn't have the same last name.) I was told to find another program and to not come back. And I didn't.
Over the last few weeks, I have learned that there are certain people out there who don't like me. And there are many reasons why they don't like me, but the main one is that they feel threatened by me. I have had some incidences at work this past week where this was the case. So let me just say I DON'T WANT YOUR JOB!  I AM NOT GOING TO TAKE IT. BACK OFF!!! Yeah... and these are grown women, mind you, who are going to HR and complaining that I am gossiping about them behind their backs. YEAH...I KNOW...last I checked, I left high school and even graduated from college. I don't have time to talk about people or to spread rumors. I actually go to work...and work. I know, it's a crazy idea, but it does happen. It just irks me because people won't grow up and ask me if anything they hear is true. Which it isn't. But whatever. What a joke. But I will move on...and if I get disrupted from doing my job again because someone is tattle-tailing on something that they assume must have happened, I will get that much more upset and start stabbing jaws. I know, I was just getting pass that phase.
Anyway...moving one. I guess the point is, not everyone is going to like you all the time. But as long as you can look back at the end of the day and feel like you are square with God and that you have done your best, than those haters can go to Hell. Just saying.

So I don't have a new purse photo to post...I've been too busy and too poor to go shopping. But no worries, I will have some more pictures soon. We'll see what the budget will allow. But I would like to end this post with a little prayer that my Facebook buddies are used to seeing. It is one in the series known as "Dear Lord":

Dear Lord,
  We are thankful that we have survived another day. We are thankful for the little miracles that present themselves in our lives on a daily basis. We are also thankful for ibuprofen, pop corn and, as always, Diet Coke. Please help us to continue through the week with patience and love for your other children, for we do not want to end up in jail like Lindsay Lohan for harming another. And please let the diet coke machine be full tomorrow. Amen. 

Life, Love and the pursue of the Purse Part One

Wow it's been a while since I have updated the blog...but it's been hectic around here. I remember a time when life slowed down during the summer. Everyone would be outside, running around in the sprinklers, drinking lemonade and hanging out until well after the sun went down. Enter in adulthood. Nothing really changes from season to season. You still have to go to work, clean the house, pay the bills and try to get some free time in.
So a few weeks ago, me and a few of mu siblings look an inflatable raft up American Fork Canyon and floated around on the reservoir. It was wonderful. So good in fact that I am still peeling due to the sunburn. But it reminded me what summer was about. Thanks for the fun time Andy, Andrea, Wendi and Gina!

I have been settling into my new job and for the first time in a while, I am happy at work. I work with good people and enjoy my days more. Mike has been doing a lot of gigging with both of his bands, Molly Drive and The Wolf Gang. Hop on over to his Facebook page and you can see their You Tube videos. They are so much fun to listen to and watch. And I am not going to lie, the extra money has been nice too! It also reminds me of how truly talented my husband is. He is a wonderful musician and has a great stage presence.

Speaking of my husband, we celebrated our 2nd anniversary last month. It's kind of hard to believe that we have been married that long. It all seems so long ago that we became sealed for time and all eternity. We have been through a lot in the past two years. There have been some very hard times. A lot of married people don't experience half of what we have in the past two years for a long time afterwards. With health issues, heart attacks, surgeries, moving, cars, school, jobs, communication, money, it has been a rough road. But as I sit here tonight, looking over at my husband playing on his computer, I realize that I do love him more now than I did two years ago. So for our anniversary, Mike gave me a beach cruiser bicycle. I love it. I will post pictures later. And then I also got Harry Potter Lego for the Xbox 360. It is a pretty sweet game. I have all of the Lego games except for Rock Band. But I will own it someday. It will be mine.

I have also become slightly obsessed with a purse lately. It is a line of bags called Miche Bags (Mee - Chee). I have seen them for years and always wondered about getting one. And now...I am in love. If you don't know what a Miche Bag is, go to their website - www.michebag.com and check them out. Then go to the Fashion Place Mall, go to the kiosk by the food court, ask for Paul and get yourself one. Here is a picture of my most recent bad:

And here is the other one that I have:

I have such a hard time finding purses that are a reasonable price and sturdy. But these puppies are wonderful. They come on three different sizes and there are different covers for each one. Read about it on the website. Seriously...you won't regret it. Your husband may not like me for a while because you are buy so many, but he will get over it.

I was trying to think about more of the methodical things that have been cruising in my cerebellum as of late, but nothing is coming at the moment. But I think right now I can hear my pillow calling to me. It has missed me lately. We haven't had as many dates as usual. So, I will continue to think and continue on part two of this entry. So, until then, sweet dreams and Miche Bags!

50 Things About Me

Yeah...so this is one of those narcissistic post with me telling you 50 random things about myself. I am, after, the queen of random knowledge. Ken the Jeopardy man gots nothing on me! So...here goes!

1. I have been married for almost two years now. Sometimes it seems like more...sometimes it seems like less.
2. I never took a beginning acting class while I was in high school or college. Somehow I always got right into the advanced classes. This upset a lot of people...but I don't care.
3. I wear a size 11 shoe. This shocks many people because I don't look like I have huge feet. This is the one and only thing that Paris Hilton and I have in common.
4. I have a photographic memory. This came in very handy when I was in school because it was easier to memorize things, including line for a show.
5. My favorite color was not always pink. It didn't become pink until I was a senior in high school. Until then it was blue. And while I still love the color blue, pink is for princesses, which I am.
6. I hate the smell of cooked onions. They just smell burnt to me and it makes me gag. If I can burp something up hours later and still taste it, it ain't right!
7. Lavender and vanilla are my favorite scents. Fabreeze makes a great room spray. My husband isn't a fan, but I still make him use it after he's done in the bathroom.
8. Back in college, I was a founding member of an online group called "Walk to Rivendale". This was a group of people trying to get in shape and so the challenge was to get a group together, be it in your neighborhood or online, and walk the same distance that Frodo and Sam walked to Rivendale in the Lord of the Rings books. I made it there and back again several times while I was living on campus at the U. The Chicago chapter of the group was even on Oprah once. That's my true nerdom coming out.
9. I love Robert Downey, Jr. He is a wonderful actor and I have loved him even through the drug years. 
10. I have never read the book "Charlotte's Web". I have seen the movie and have heard the story, but I have yet to sit down and read th book. I have no desire to do so and I doubt I ever will.
11. I am a classically trained singer. It's not opera and it's not belting. Think Josh Groban...that's what I was trained to do. 
12. When I was 12, I won a contest on the radio by singing the national anthem in bubble language. This is when you sound like you are under water. I never did get my cd from them.
13. If I had the money and space, I would have the largest shoe collection in the world! I love them. Since I have been married I have only bought 3 pairs of shoes. So sad.
14. When I got my first iPod, I have to have my little sister and my husband teach me how to use it. I felt a little old at that point.
15. I love salsa! But not Pace or anything like that...no, REAL salsa. Like the kind I make and the kind I taught my sister Gina to make. It's fresh with lots of spice and cilantro and garlic. YUM!
16. If all else fails in life, I am going to go to school to be a massage therapist. I have been told I have a gift for it with my large "man hands". (Thanks Jill!)
17. It was my goal for the longest time to be a member of the US women's softball team and play in the Olympics. Thanks to my own, clumsy self, that dream was to never come true.
18. I love music. As long as I can sing to it, it's great. If it's a screamo or rap group, no thanks! I will pass.
19. Even though I love musical theater, I HATE Rogers and Hammerstein. Sondheim falls into the group as well, and Andrew Lloyd Webber is getting to that point as well. The next person that also tells me that Les Miserables is the best musical ever will get a stab to the jaw by yours truly. And no, Wicked isn't that great either. But whatever.
20. While we are on the musical theater topic, I also dislike Fiddler on the Roof, Gilbert and Sullivan and Cole Porter. I think I have covered everything in this realm.
21. Tennessee Williams was a bitter queen and a horrific writer. 
22. On the other hand, Neil Simon is my favorite playwright. 
23. I really don't like most chick flicks. I would rather gouge my own eyes out with a rust spoon then sit through most of the chick flicks these days.
24. Yet...I really loved "The Notebook." Go figure!
25. I buy DVDs for the special features and the commentary. That's the first thing I think of when I see a movie for the first time.
26. I love pasta. I could eat it everyday and be happy.
27. I am partially deaf in my left ear thanks to some ear drum damage from a few years back.
28. I doodle when I am talking on the phone. No offense...it's just how I roll.
29. I have to have music on when I study. It keeps the over-active ADD part of my brain occupied while the rest of me is concentrating. 
30. I cannot fall asleep with the TV on. It has to be quiet and dark. 
31. Growing up I had a fear that our house was going to burn down in the middle of the night because of a cruel game my sisters liked to play. It was called Lock-Holly-in-the-bathroom-turn-off-the-lights-and-tell-her-the-house-was-on-fire-and-not-let-her-out. Yeah...that caused some trauma.
32. I love to play certain video games - namely the Lego games. They have Star Wars, Indiana Jones, Batman and next month Harry Potter will come and join the family. I am so darn excited. 
33. I have been an editor for three published books. When I can, I will add links so that you can check them out.
34. I love chocolate. And cheese. But not together. Unless it's chocolate cheesecake, then bring it on!
35. My all-time favorite movies include: Singing in the Rain, The Court Jester, The Secret Life of Walter Mitty, Star Wars (the original three), Keeping the Faith and Lord of the Rings. Casa Blanca is up there as well.
36. I am allergic to certain bubble bath solutions. I have sensitive skin and can't handle it.
37. I was also allergic to disposable diapers as a baby and had to use the cloth ones. My siblings were not so happy about that.
38. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice? I kill you. That's all there is to it.
39. I have scars on my shoulders from getting some pretty bad sunburns as a kid. 
40. I didn't have much hair on my head until I was about 5. And now? It's out of control.
41. Flip flops are my friends.
42. Fall is my favorite time of year.
43. Baseball is my favorite sport.
44. Josh Groban could sing me to sleep every night and I would never get bored or annoyed with it. I love him!
45. My family and I can recite lines from movies for hours and still manage to carry on a meaningful conversation.
46. Diet Coke and Diet Dr. Pepper are my biggest weakness next to a maple donut.
47. I could never be a vegetarian. I love me my meat. 
48. My dream car is a 2010 Chevy Malibu. (I know...it's kind of sad. But I would love it!)
49. I have and love Clay Aiken's Christmas album.
50. I am double jointed. It's fun to gross my husband out with all of my tricks.

 So there you go! There are 50 random facts about me. Now here's the challenge...post 50 things about yourself. I would love to see what you are all about.

Sand needs toes and other words of wisdom

Happy Spring everyone! At least...the calendar says it's Spring time. I guess the more correct phrase would be Sprinter - Spring and Winter. Thank you Mark Eubanks!

A couple of years ago, not too long before me and the mister got hitched, we were at his uncle's house in Eden. No, really. He lives in Eden. It's up Ogden Canyon a little ways. He has all this land and we go up every year for a bbq and some fun. He has all of these fun things to play with. With all of this going on, I saw my nephew, Kaleb, was playing in the sandbox. He was all by himself and I went over to see if he was ok. I asked him, and he said he was fine. Here was our conversation. Mind you...he was 3.

Me: Kaleb? What are you doing?
Kaleb: I am playing in the sand.
Me: Yeah?
Kaleb: Yeah...sand needs toes. That's why my shoes are off. You should take yours off too.

As I looked, he was indeed barefoot, with his toes deep in the sand. With all that was going on around him, he decided to enjoy the most simple thing there...the sand. So, I followed directions and took my shoes off as well and buried them in the sand. I think we were in the sandbox for a good hour, just enjoying the sand. Not because our toes needed to be exfoliated...but because the sand needed our toes. Because, after all, what good is the sand if it doesn't have some toes in it once in a while?

We are all so depended on each other for survival. Not only for the physical survival, but the emotional and spiritual survival as well. And it's it funny how it is usually out of the mouths of babes that we are reminded of this?

When we were living in the Avenues, I was the Primary chorister. There were 12 kids in there...if everyone showed up. And there were two boys. The rest were mostly 7 year old girls. One of the younger girls, Zoe, was 5. She always had the biggest smile on her face and big blue eyes. On Sunday mornings, she would come in with her older sister and say "It is a beauty-ful day today!"  And after that, it always was. She would always remind all of us of the beauty that God has given us on this great Earth. It always made me smile when she was there.

I am not sure where I am going with this post...but it's these little things that I remember children saying that just make me giggle and brings a smile to my face. I have been so blessed to be able to work with amazing kids...and some that will forever be little shits in my book. I miss working with the kids. I play the piano for Primary in our new ward, and it's the best calling in the church...EVER! But I don't interact a lot with the kids. And there are Sundays where that's ok and I would rather sit in my corner.

Thanks again for reading my stream of consciousness. I almost felt like I was Henry David Thoreau and writing On Waldon Pond...at least I think he's the one who wrote it. The whole book was an endless stream of consciousness. I sure hated it. Anyway, the point to all of this is that sometimes, we need to step back, enjoy the beauty-ful  day once in a while and remember, sometimes, sand needs toes.

PS - I have started my new job at work and I am not nearly as stressed as I was before. It's amazing how a small change like that can keep you off death row for stabbing someone in the the jaw with a ball point pen. I don't even have the desire to do that anymore. Just saying...

An Epiphany...Of Sorts

Thank you to all of you for reading and commenting on my last post. I felt a lot better after writing that and you saved me thou$ands in therapy costs. As we are all poor folk these days, anything to save a little money is very much welcomed. 


10 years ago, when I graduated from high school and started college (sweet mother of Elvis, has it really been that long?) I already had decided what I wanted to do with my life. I wanted to be a journalist. I was going to be on TV and was set to take over Barbara Walters' job on 20/20. There was no doubt in my mind that Diane Sawyer was going to eat my dust. It was going to be awesome. Oprah wouldn't be able to hold a candle to me. I knew I was meant to be a reporter and to be in front of the camera. Take that, Katie Couric!


My plan was going along just perfectly until one day, in 2003 at the University of Utah, I had an epiphany. I was in the middle of my magazine writing class when I started to laugh. And as I started to laugh, it slowly turned into a sob. A full-on-I-want-my-mommy sob. I hated journalism. I hated the classes, I hated the writing, and most of all, I hated that teacher that had just ripped my article apart because "she didn't understand why anyone would write something like that." It was an article about teenage girls in abusive relationships and the signs to look for. She said it made women look weak and that no real woman would allow herself to be in that situation. I wanted to walk up to her, all 4 1/2 feet of her, sit on her face, make a flarty, and not get up until the stink went away. (I know, it's a little graphic, but you should hear the desires I have to stab a current co-worker in the jaw with my pen.)


Every female journalism and communications teacher I had in college felt like they had to prove themselves to EVERYONE! They were just as tough as a man and would dress like it to prove it. I realized that I am not that kind of person. I don't have to prove myself to anyone but me and to my Heavenly Father.
So I left the journalism program. I decided to become an English major and study creative writing. That lasted for half a semester. I got kicked out of the program because I wouldn't analyze poetry and I looked at Shakespeare plays as a theater person, not an English major snob. (It also didn't help that I did all of this in the class that was taught by the department head's wife!) 


So I moved on. Finally, I graduated with my degree in playwriting. I know, it's been oh so useful in my life...but it has helped in certain occasions. I wrote plays for my after school program kids. I wrote plays for other kids. I have been the editor for three books. And here's what all of this comes down to:


I love to write!


I do! I love it. I can express myself so much better in writing. All of the witty things in my brain can come out and they don't sound as crazy on paper as they would of I were to say them out loud. (Except for the jaw stabbing thing. I do admit that it's going a bit to far. Don't worry, after tomorrow I will no longer work with this person. Praise the baby Jesus for that one!)


I think this is why I enjoy blogging. Because there isn't a certain format I have to stick to. I don't have to follow the inverted pyramid or the MLM. I don't have to regurgitate a bunch of stuff that my professor's expected me to do. This is me. It may not always be pretty, and it definitely isn't proper, but it's who I am. It's how I feel and think about life. And even if no one were to read this (I am VERY grateful that you do!) I know that I am releasing my thoughts into the universe of the world wide web and allowing the juices to flow. I am being true to myself and not letting anyone tell me that having feelings and emoting makes me weak. Because it doesn't. I believe that what doesn't kill you will only make you stronger.  And gosh dang it, if the past few years haven't killed me, then a little jaw stabbing action won't either. Nor does it show that I am weak.


It merely shows that I am human. And in the end, isn't that what this life is about?