Hello my friends in Blogland!
It has been a while since I have visited this site. And to be honest, it's because I haven't had much to say. Or, at least, I have thought that I had nothing to say. I thought that time was just passing, like sands through an animated hour glass, so are the days of our...well, you get it.
But it turns out that it's been rough the past couple of months. Not because of any one reason in particular, but just a conglomerate of different events and emotions. I haven't been me. I haven't felt well, physically or emotionally. It has felt like the world was going by in warp speed but I only saw it in slow motion. It was weird and I didn't like it. I got up, went to work, came home and just wanted to crash. Bed time couldn't come soon enough. I was getting upset with my husband over silly things and we fought about irrelevant things. At work, I just wanted to take a sharp, and sometimes blunt, object and just jab it into people's eyes just so they would leave me a lone. It was a mess.
I guess we can call it depression, or blame it on the cold-ish weather we had the past few months that were supposed to be winter. I even went to my doctor and had my anxiety medication adjusted. I was diagnosed with general anxiety about 4 1/2 years ago and have been treating it ever since. I first noticed it when I was about 10, just after my dad came home from Desert Storm. It was a rough time when he was gone. But my mother was amazing and kept the house in order and calm. Not that I am blaming my anxiety on that situation, but that's when it started. My older sister, Jill, suffered pretty bad from it when she was a teenager. But after years of therapy and medication, she has been able to deal with it. Anyway, as time went on, the more stressed I was, the more panic attacks I would have. There were moments, or sometimes days, where I couldn't think rationally and would freak out. My heart races, I get dizzy and all I want to do is scream and either run away or go to bed and sleep it off. Once during an anxiety attack, my chest tightened up, my right arm began to tingle and I was convinced I was having a heart attack. And while it was only heat stroke, it was the worse feeling of my life. I went to the doctor the next week and finally decided to try medication. Even the idea of having blood tests done sent me into an episode. The medication has been working ever since and my chemical imbalance has been leveled.
So this time when I went back to the doctor's, I had him check me for everything to see if we could figure out what was going on. I even had him check to see if I was pregnant. But, alas, everything came back normal and negative. I was healthy. Need to lose a little weight, but still healthy. So, it had to all be in my head.
I started to think about possible reasons why I was feeling crumby. And after some long thinking periods and a few prayers, I realized that I need a change. Something new and different in my life. A new purpose and direction. So, I decided that I wanted to try and get pregnant! Yes! Having a baby would solve everything. I would have something new and different and exciting. We could start a family and then things would magically work out. I mean, isn't that what we have been taught? Mike and I have been married for almost four years and I am getting tired of the question "So, when are you going to have a baby?" This sounded like a wonderful idea! How could this fail?
And then the scare came a few weeks ago when I thought I was pregnant. I was late. I was bloated and not feeling normal. This was really happening! Here came the change I was waiting for. And then, it didn't. I wasn't pregnant. Turns out my body was reacting to the new levels of anxiety medication. For a moment, I was heart broken. Here I was, ready to give this little peanut a nice home for 9 months and then give this child all the love I could muster up.
And then I really started to think about it. I really didn't want to be pregnant. I talked things over with the hubby. We aren't ready. We have many things to do and accomplish before a baby comes. This really isn't what I wanted nor was this the answer for my need of change. Not yet, at least. And I was no longer sad.
So I my quest to do something different, I went over to The Park Center in Murray and joined the rec center. I even bought an unlimited pass for all of the group fitness classes I want. I decided that my first class was going to be water aerobics. IT WAS SO FUN!!! I was in there with people that are older than my parents. I was the youngest one on the class, but it felt so good to be in the water and to move my body. I felt relaxed for the first time in months. My anxiety melted away. The water massaged and soothed my muscles. I came home and slept like a baby. I woke up the next morning and was actually energized. I went the next night to see if I would get the same results. This time was even better. There was more stretching and moving. I have been four times this week and it has been totally worth it. Who would have thought that a little exercise would help. My mood has been better, I haven't been so tired during the day. I have already lost 5 lbs. It's been nice.
Anyway, thanks for reading my little rant. Kind of random, but I needed to get the random out of my system. Next time will be more entertaining, I promise. :-)
