#10 - Santa Clause is Coming to Town - Is Santa the ultimate stalker? After all, he knows when you are sleeping, and he knows when you are awake!
#9 - Jingle Bells – Another song about a long time tradition of a guy’s “ride” getting stuck, or running out of gas. Poor Ms. Fanny Bright fell for this trick and they ended up making out until someone came to help them. Turns out, they were never stuck.
#8 - Frosty the Snowman - A snowman is brought to life with use of a magical top hat given to a group of children by Christine O’Donnell, the Tea Party candidate for the 2010 elections, who also claim to be a Wiccan. The hat was given special power by the use of witch craft.
#7 - We Wish You a Merry Christmas – An old tool used by robbers to get people to open their homes. The trick is to get the home owners to agree to bring you some Figgie pudding. When they go to get it, grab the loot and book it. After all, who really even likes Figgie pudding?
#6 -I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Clause – A child’s introduction to the idea of an extra marital affair and the consequences that follow. I don’t think Daddy laughed when he saw Mommy kissing Santa because that wasn’t Santa. That was the neighbor, Mr. Stevens, who had grown his beard out. Instead, Daddy was sent to jail for a very long time and the kids had to go live with Grandma.
#5 - Bring Your Torch, Jeanette Isabella – Who the hell is Jeanette Isabella and what is a French woman doing in Bethlehem during that time? The French weren’t even a country yet, let alone a power house in world politics. She had to run pretty damn far to make it to Bethlehem with a torch still lit. What was she? An Olympian? And apparently she was really loud if they had to keep telling her to hush!
#4 - Rudolph, the Red-nosed Reindeer - A song about the racist bastard Santa who would only be nice to the little guy when his career was on the line.
#3 - Baby, It’s Cold Outside – The earliest song known to man about a date rape drug by putting a roofie in someone’s drink. It’s only when it’s too late that the young lady asks “Hey, what’s in this drink?”
# 2 - Do You Hear What I Hear? – The story of a poor boy with schizophrenia that talks to inanimate objects. The song ends before the king orders the execution of the child for disrupting court.
#1 Christmas Song that must go= Christmas Shoes – One of the cruelest songs of the season. A little boy sent to fetch his mom some shoes that she can wear when she dies meets Jesus. While the boy was at the store, Mommy had seizures and the cancer finally got the best of her. The boy comes back with ugly shoes for his dead mother. Sorry son, your momma don’t need no shoe…she dead.
This list was not made to offend. I love Christmas. It's my favorite holiday next to Halloween. So please, enjoy!
